


Emails for Phil

by rvclary



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Coming Out, Dirty Talk, Existential Crisis, Friends to Lovers, M/M, Phan Angst, Phan Fluff, Sexual Tension, Temporarily Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-09-24
Updated: 2017-11-09
Packaged: 2018-08-17 02:00:46
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 10
Words: 3,880
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8126056
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/rvclary/pseuds/rvclary
Summary: Dan is in love with Phil since he first laid eyes on the older boy. After a few years without confessing his love, Dan can't take it anymore without expressing himself. So he creates a fake email for his best friend and writes emails every now and then.





	1. 24 September 2016

**Author's Note:**

> So hi! This fanfic it's based on a wattpad fanfic that I read - I only took the idea of the emails because the original fanfic it's about Dan and Phil not talking to each other anymore.
> 
> If the summary wasn't enough to explain basically Dan loves Phil but Phil doesn't know. Because of his shyness Dan writes an email in Phil's name and starts emailing for that email. The emails will have a few existencial crisis but smut too. You guys will understand better when you start getting more into the fanfic.
> 
> Comments means so much to me, not only makes so so happy but also makes me more excited to update often ;)
> 
> Hope you enjoy!

From: Daniel Howell - **danisnotonfire@gmail.com**  
For: Phillip Lester - **@fakeamazingphil@gmail.com**

* * *

  
Phil,  
  
I don't know what I'm doing, you will never read this. But I can't keep this any longer. I'm not sure for how much long I will hide my feelings for you.  
  
I'm hopelessly devoted and in love with you.  
  
It's been a few years since I first started feeling this warm and fuzzy feeling every time you are around. I'm not sure what day and how much did it take for me to realize that I was feeling deep in love with my best friend, but oh boy I knew that I was in big troubles. I mean... it's not like I would ever tell you this, I wouldn't ruin our fantastic friendship for a stupid feeling. Until the stupid feeling became such a powerful mess.  
  
I've waited for a small sign that you like me back, and I still do. But I know you don't like me, you even talk to me about other people! You never have someone special, but you always look at me when you see someone attractive and say "WOW what a 'hottie'". I don't like sharing and I've always told you that. Even as a best friend I've been quite possessive with you and I'm sorry. I just don't want to loose you.  
  
Sometimes I think - maybe even just a kiss would be enough. Anything, like cuddles, good morning kisses and holding hands. But I would be lying by saying that. I want so much more. I want your touch and feel your skin in mine. I want you to open my legs and for once in our lives, you'd be the possessive one. We put so much effort, trust, loyalty, anything a friendship needs, sometimes even more than it actually needs. I can't be the one to destroy everything we've build for the past years.  
  
Sorry for such a depressing email, I need to let a few things out.  
  
With so much love,  
  
Dan Howell


	2. 27 September 2016

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So hi again. As I did with my Malec fanfic "Flightless Swan" I'm gonna set a day for when I'm going to update and everything - not that anyone cares but anyways. I'ts going to be every Wednesday because of my school schedule.
> 
> I hope you enjoy!

From: Daniel Howell - **danisnotonfire@gmail.com**  
For: Phillip Lester - **@fakeamazingphil@gmail.com**

* * *

 

Phil,   
  
You looked beautiful today. Also really hot, but that's a different type of chat.  
  
Now that I think about what I just said, or more like typed... I'm such a loser, it sounds pretty weird. A little bit like... stalking... but fangirls say this type of things all the time so I guess it's fine. Besides, it's just the truth, I would never give anyone a complement of something I didn't feel. Specially not at you.  
  
Don't worry, I'm not gonna send another depressing email, like the first one. I'm actually quite happy at the moment, because of what happened today.  
  
We where at a coffee shop, when a really hot gorgeous guy walked in. He was so hot that Hell most be jealous. And he was staring back at you. But Phil, even though such an attracted person was interested in you, you didn't give him the attention everybody was giving. Everyone noticed him, including both of us and those really 'straight' guys that were holding hands underneath the table. This time you didn't made a comment, you just ignored the hot guy that was checking you out and kept staring at me. It's lame that I got so happy for such a small thing? Maybe, but I still am.  
  
I texted Louise as soon as I got home, you know, for some 'professional' advice. Louise is the only one who knows it, I'm sure a few other friends suspect something is up but she is the only one I trusted with my dirty secret. And after today's events, she told me that you may have a crush on me, but I'm sure you don't. After all this time, I would get a hit or at least a sign right? You always here a pretty direct guy. Neither ways, I think about you all the time... oh boy I just thought of something really dirty! Better end this email fast. This made me cringe.  
  
I'm not a pervert, I swear. Maybe just a little but I mean... Who isn't?!  
  
With so much love,  
  
Dan Howell

 

 


	3. 5 November2016

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'M SOOOOOOOOO SORRY!! School started in September and everything fell into s-. I haven't been really been ok, in a mental way. I didn't feel motivation to do anything or even to do the only thing I love, which is writing. I started taking care of myself and I'm not really gonna talk to much about it because nobody will cares xD.  
> Anyways that's why I took to long and I'm gonna try to keep writing!  
> Enjoy!

From: Daniel Howell - **danisnotonfire@gmail.com**  
For: Phillip Lester - **@amazingphil@gmail.com**

* * *

Phil,  
  
I'm so sorry.  
  
I'm a terrible friend. Best Friend.  
  
And it's so stupid for me to write another email for the fake account but I need to let out somethings.  
  
Everything was perfect - you and I were always together and alone. And I know this may or may not sound really wrong even cross as weird but I enjoyed those moments like crazy. It was like living 2009 all over again. It was like coming home and Skype with you until my mom come into my room yelling at me to go to sleep. And doing the same thing every single day. But this time I had you close, we even cuddle like we used to do before the shippers and things got sort of awkward. It was nice smelling your sickening sweet smell that I love and your cold feet trying to get the warm of my legs.  
  
But of course same old uncle Dan had to ruin things some how.  
  
We were at a party, it was Connor's birthday and I was trying to enjoy everything. You were having a lovely chat with Cat and I was just chilling with Tyler. He kept asking me who my crush was but I had a promise to myself that nobody expect for Louise would know that I liked you before you even did. But of course this wasn't the problem. You and Cat were just chatting and I knew it. I wasn't jealous of a conversation between friends. More of the way she was touching your arm and the smile you gave her when she did that.  
  
Long story short: I got really drunk, and as soon as you saw me you got drunk yourself. We were both drunk and from how things went I think you were even more than me. We kissed. And oh! Phil... it was amazing. I know that I was drunk and everything but I remember every single little detail.  
  
The next morning, you looked at me while making the usual morning coffee and just said "Hi!". You acted like nothing had happened and that hurt like hell. It hurt more when you told me you were seeing this boy. A tall blond and with shinning green eyes boy. You mentioned that you were bi but only had girlfriends so you both just wanted to play around. I would play around with you. And even when I'm sad I think I would even let you toy me if that meant I was going to feel you close, more feel you in ways I never had.  
  
I should stop writing because I'm getting sad and I don't want to cry in my parents house, since I came to visit and leave the house for you and mister Shinning.  
  
With some much love,  
  
Dan Howell

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> DID YOU NOTICED? No? Yes?  
> Drama and more smut will come I promise. And I'm also trying to start writing again because I'm sure it will make me feel good. I'm not sure if anyone was readying my Malec fic, which I'm going to delete, but if you were it's deleted for health reasons (writing about those type of issues was not helping me in fact was doing way way worst). When I feel like I'm more ok with mental health and that I feel better I will post it again.  
> Leave kudos and some comments because that's always sweet and might even give some motivation ;). Byeeeeee!


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My cat bit my arm and I feel inspired. Yup. That's why I am updating. Y'all can thank my cat.  
> Enjoy!

From: Daniel Howell - **danisnotonfire@gmail.com**  
For: Phillip Lester - **fakeamazingphil@gmail.com**

* * *

 

Phil,  
  
I'm the type of person who thinks too much on things. It's really good sometimes - It can help me in a situation of danger. But most of the times doesn't make me any good.  
  
You're a person of actions. You barely think before you talk or make a decision, being this extremely dangerous for your personal well-being. But I'm quite jealous that you act that way. If only I had the same personality as you maybe you'd already know. Maybe I wouldn't being here missing your soft touch on my neck while your lips are pressed into mine. I guess kissing you more than once didn't make my crush on you feel better.  
  
Because yes, Phil, we kissed more than once.   
  
When I got home from the holiday in my parents house, you and mister Shinning weren't so over the moon. He was really attractive even a few inches taller than me, which makes me give him some points since I'm taller than Eiffel. Anyways, no matter how much he tried to chat you were not giving him any attention. Don't get me wrong, Phil, you're literally an angel bean that would never hurt someone's feelings but even I feel bad for the poor guy. You have him answers, not fully ignoring his existence in the room but your eyes were on me and only me.   
  
After he left, you didn't stop talking to me until dinner. Asking so many questions I can't even remember them all right now. And later that night you gave the idea of playing 'truth or dare'. If that doesn't already sound like a bad idea I'm letting you know that things didn't stop there, going from a game to another. It went from 'truth or dare' to 'fuck, marry, kill' to finally what you call 'drink poker'. You said instead of taking clothes off it would be funnier to get drunk. To be quite honest, we didn't even play much... it was mostly drinking, laughing and chatting.  
  
One thing leans to another and we were making out in the couch. It hurts to say that it wasn't even kissing, since I don't even remember many details like I do from the other kiss. This 'making out' was... heartless. We were so drunk that you passed out right there and I got myself all bruised in the way back to my room.  
  
The morning was awful and I'm not sure what hurt more: my head or every time I looked at you. You cheated on mister Shinning, or maybe you didn't... I don't get the relationship.  
  
To distract myself I opened the **fakeamazingphil@gmail.com** email to read the first email I wrote, just to make me feel better, and... wasn't I surprised? The last email, about the first kiss, wasn't there. I tried not to freak about it and just assumed it went for spam or was still loading.   
  
I feel part of one of those cliche movies. Stop making me fall harder, Phil. Make me forget about your touch and sweet lips.  
  
With so much love,  
  
Dan Howell  
  
  



	5. 6 February 2017

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well... hello? I'm so sorry for being gone for so long - something personal happened in school and my ups and downs have been crazy lately, I'm not going to get into many details because some people might not care. I wrote this a while ago and to be honest I'm not proud of it but it will do for now.  
> Again sorry and please enjoy!  
> ALSO!!!!!! Be aware that in this chapter there is soft dirty talk.

From: Daniel Howell -  **danisnotonfire@gmail.com  
  
** To: Phillip Leste -  **fakeamazingphil@gmail.com**  


* * *

Phil,  
  


I'm really scared.  
  
I usually delete all my emails that are unimportant, like my sent ones. And you know it was fine until I opened the fake email and didn't find anything I was searching for. It was around 1 am which might have made things confusing.  
  
Neither way, I thought sleeping the issue would make it better. But let me share a secret with you:  
  
I masturbate before going to sleep.  
  
Having an orgasm makes me tired and sleepy while sends the nightmares away since I don't have you to fight my demons for me. Do you think it was only that? Well if you say "I Phil - doesn't know how to knock - Lester walked in on my best friend pleasuring himself" congratulations you won. Want a cookie?  
  
You stared at me for a while as I stayed frozen, in obvious shock. It took my a while for me to realize what was actually going on and cover my rock-hard with my dark blanket as you apologized and left. I stood there not knowing what you were thinking and I still don't know how to approach you about the situation since you also stayed quite about it. Do you think I'm gross? I mean I bet you also jerk off so that's a weird thing to feel about seeing another male doing the do.  
  
What should I do Philly?  
  
From your embarrassed friend,  
Dan Howell

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You guys might want to go check out the chapter before this one and see to who Dan sent the email ;)  
> I hope you guys enjoyed!  
> Kudos and comments are always nice and I promise I will try to update more often! BYE!!


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Guess who's back, back again. Things are going to start getting interesting... just saying.

From: Daniel Howell -  **danisnotonfire@gmail.com**  
For: Phillip Lester -  **@fakeamazingphil@gmail.com  
**

* * *

 

Phil,

Something is up.  
Ok, ew, that was a terrible way to start this email and sorry about the word ew. It joined my vocabulary during the past week and I have no idea how to get rid of it.

Back to my explanation of why I think something is going on. You walked in on me masturbating and in the morning you acted like nothing had happened. And as soon as I tried to come up with an explanation you didn't seem to care and continued with your afternoon breakfast. I thought everything was back to being the same, what it has been for the past years. After you and mister Shinning met things went back to what they used to be. No cuddles, not having your attention focused on me. But he was gone from our lives as fast as he came in.

The only thing that has been peculiar around is weirdly you. 

You wake up earlier than me every day and make me coffee. Seems simple but still. You've been doing all the house chores. Not that weird? Stay with me. You've been cleaning my room and not only that but you also asked me if I wanted to send you my new video for YOU to edit it. You asked me if I wanted a back massage. Every time you go out you bring me something. You've been touching my hair in that gentle way you know it sends shivers down my spine. 

Now, would you like to explain to me why have you been so kind to me? Is it because you saw me playing with my willy?! Because asking myself why as been driving me nuts. Why can't I grow some balls and ask you the reason behind all this affection?

See? Only more whys, whys, whys. I love you Phil but you make me insane and out of my logical self.  
  
With so many whys and love,

Dan Howell

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ok, I have the end ready in my head and I'm going to finish the fanfic when it hits 10 chapters. Sorry for taking so long though.  
> Anyways I think nobody noticed and I'm glad nobody anything because a spoiler of the end is literally in the chapters.  
> Leave some kudos and comments because it's always appreciated!!! <3


	7. 22 September 2017

From: Daniel Howell -  **danisnotonfire@gmail.com**  
For: Phillip Lester -  **amazingphil@gmail.com**

Dear Phil,

We just watched a romantic comedy together and my feelings are all over me.

I write to you because I love you. You shine and blind me and how could I not love all your acts. You are playing games with my head with all your affection and if the games stop I don't know what would be my life without it. I grew used to them like I did for you. Life is better loving you and not having the feeling back then not having you close that all.

Philly, Philly, Philly what have you done to me? I dream of your lips, hands and hips and as cheesy as it is, it couldn't be closer to the truth. Why am I like this right now? Because watching your face with only the light of the tv lighting it up while staring at the movie made me a mess, not that I wasn't before.

This is a short email, even though the size shouldn't matter... fake amazing Phil doesn't exist. It's just an acc created by me and you will never read this. No matter how hard I yelled "I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU" you won't read this. I wish I was brave enough to come to you and explain to you everything. From the way I love your laugh, how you put your tongue between your teeth while doing it, how I love the way you move your hands through my hair and when you accidentally touch an area you shouldn't prove.

Sorry for acting this way.

With love,

Dan Howell


	8. October 6th 2017

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I decided to change the plot I had planned once I saw that I had 299 kudos in this fanfic, I feel really happy about it so I really hope you guys like this chapter.

From: Phillip Lester -  **amazingphil@gmail.com**

To: Daniel Howell -  **danisnotonfire@gmail.com**

* * *

 

Hi Dan!  
  
I really hope that was a good way to start this email since all your emails were extremely romantic and sweet.

I should have told you that I received the first email as soon as I did but a part of me thought it was just a joke. This is not an excuse especially because I didn't tell you as soon as I read the recent one you sent. But as you know you're currently in your parents home doing and feeling God knows what and all I had in my head running all day was the emails and how much I wanted to say something about it. So much running in my brain must have made you tired.

I'm not going to tell you my feelings through an email, doesn't seem fair since you're only coming back in a few weeks but please don't panic. You seem to do that very often when surprises slap you. Don't blame yourself for anything, I'm really really happy to know your feelings for me.

The first email I got was you apologizing for drunk kissing me and Dan, I'm really sorry. Mister Shinning, as you so hilariously called him, shouldn't have been in our house. I knew that you never brought people in and it was exactly what I did. I think I do owe you a few apologies for not saying anything after the kiss. Again I'm at least glad the recent email was more happy, with more positive emotions and that you're happy. That's all I want in your life. Please know that all my caring behaviors weren't because of what I read and because I felt guilty. I wanted to show you emotional support and make you smile with simple acts because I care!

I care since I've met you and you told me all your mental issues. You mean the world to me and I want you to know that before we have a more serious talk about our feelings. Because no. I won't just ignore everything you feel for me.

DA FEELS as your fangirls like to say are very important, Spaniel Towel. They are what makes us who we are.

Missing you soooooo much,

Phil the Lester

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey yo! I told two of you I was going to update yesterday but I really didn't feel like doing it and I was not going to post something that I didn't even enjoy writing. So I'm thinking about ending the fanfic at chapter 10 (I'm not sure if it's really going to happen because I need to worry more about plot holes than how many chapters I have to write next.) But anyways thank you so so so much for all the sweet comments and 300 kudos??! It makes me really happy!


	9. October 7th 2017

From: Daniel Howell -  **danisnotonfire@gmail.com**  
For: Phillip Lester -  **@amazingphil@gmail.com**

* * *

 

Phil,

Words can't express how embarrassed I'm currently feeling and please don't apologize for not speaking earlier. It made the time I spend regretting my life choices shorter. It's quite late at night since I needed to spend the entire day thinking of how to respond to your email. And I do think I already know what to say.

I always thought that if you ever regretted me after I told you about my deep feelings for you that my heart would break completely but I'm starting to think otherwise. Knowing that even if there is a change that you might not love me back and still wanting to be my friend after all the things I said it's incredible. You're the sweetest person anyone could ever have the pleasure to meet and I regret not realizing sooner that it doesn't matter how you feel about me because you will always be by my side. We are Dan and Phil, youtube power duo and it's not me being secretly (well not so much now) in love with you that will ever ruin that.

Even though I realize and have conscious about that I can't help but be embarrassed and scared to face you. How am I going to look you in the face after you know about all of that?! After calling someone you were close with Mister Shinning. But don't fear. I still feel my heart jumping just to think about coming back to London soon. I'm really excited and I miss you a lot. Yes, aha just a couple of days passed and I'm already here missing you but it's what you get for living with your best friend and see them every single day.

Please don't feel pressure to return the feelings. Having a relationship just because you think you need to make me happy or you're confused won't work and it makes me scared to think about our friendship falling. As hard it might be to break us it will be always better to have you say your honest feelings than a lie that A: won't make you happy B: will put all my hopes up and break my heart harder than if you said no at the beginning.

I don't expect a straight answer and won't ask for it. But it is welcome.

I will come back in time to celebrate our friendship anniversary.

And Phil? Your feelings matter too. Stop trying to make everyone happy and think about yourself first more often. You deserve that much.

Yours always,

Dan Howell


	10. Marriage Vows - October 19th 2022

**Phil's Marriage Vows**  
  
Dan,

Everyone calls us Dan and Phil. Never Dan and then Phil but always Dan and Phil. I'm happy that our brand finally becomes a hole.

Together you and I make one. One world, one universe, always growing and changing and it's completely magical. I want to be there in the deep, dark moments as much as I want to be there in the brightest of them all. If my smile gives you everything and then I wish for you to be there all the time to see and make me smile.

Thank you for sharing experiences with me because they were the ones that brought us together.

During my first youtube videos, all I got was negative comments. Yours were there to bring me happiness. I don't care that some people don't give me credit or how indifferent I'm for them because I want to make a difference in someone's life. And I know I made on yours.

Thank you for sharing my life goal of helping others. Seeing all our fans smiling because of both of us made me love you even more, if that is possible. Thank for your stupid fake emails and for being so distracted that you send some to my actual real one.

Live with me, laugh with me, love and create with me. I promise I will always be there next to you.

I love you, Dan.

* * *

 

**Dan's Marriage Vows**

Phil,

When you walked into my life, love walked in. I don't mean romantic love, just in general. You taught me how to open myself and accept that I was meant to be respected and cared for.

As cheesy as it can sound I have absolutely no idea where I would be without you. I love my parents, family and friends love me - Hi everyone aha - but my brain never allowed me to let them come in.

I spent dark years waiting to be enough, to be someone's number 1. I don't think anyone has ever saw me that way. I was never the first person someone would think about when something silly happens on the daily basis. I was never the person that would be the top person on someone's favorite list.

But you change that. I'm so happy I finally found someone who loves me just as much as I love them. Someone who cares for me no matter what.

Thank you for being you. God, thank you so much for all the stupid things you do that I say I hate but secretly love. Life living with you is hard but living without would be so much worst.

I'm so happy you choose, noticed and gave me a chance to make you the second happiest man alive because I'm clearly the first. I'm forever blessed and thankful that those emails really want to you.

I love you, Phil.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And this is the end. Thank you for reading and thank you all comments and kudos! I'm glad people actually read and liked what I was doing because it means absolutely the world to me. Lots of kisses!

**Author's Note:**

> Ok this was so lame, but prepare because smut will come. Also please remember that this story has a plot, so be careful with everything, even the small things. Also leave kudos because that's always sweet and nice. Byeeeeee!


End file.
